Dear Jen,

One time I saw you on Oprah,

talking with your hands, and thought

you are so my kind of gal.

Unlike most people smitten with your image, 

I don't want to be friends with Rachel or 

the girl who married Brad;

I want to be friends with the Greek girl. 

You probably get a lot of offers for this kinda thing;

I know you're BFF with Courtney and 

Mandy Ingbar but hear me out:

this call for friendship is mutually beneficial.

I can see it now, the fun we'll have.

I'll parade around in your hand me downs and

You can break down on Skye out of the public eye

(Bev and Duncan would love to have you, I'm sure).

And oh, while you're there, enjoying the privacy 

(which they pronounce priv-eh-cee, ps), and 

the fresh Scottish air,

Matty and I will hang out here:

Nice digs, Jen. 

I think I can make myself at home 

in our friendship.

Love, 

Ali