The Mommie Interviews

It's Wild Card Wednesday and we're proud to present the third installment of The Mommie Interviews.  Today's mom is Lex Steeber, a fellow Bloggerwife of New Jersey who writes the blog Advantages of Calamity.  Lex works part time and has two little munchkins under the age of four, pictured above and affectionately referred to as Monkey and Scootch.

As a wannabe mom, I wrote to Lex asking for a bit of insight/advice on what is for me, uncharted territory; before I begin to navigate the waters, I want to know the real deal: I don't want to pull up my anchor under the illusion that I'm headed toward the white sand beaches of Bermuda only to find myself adrift amongst the hypodermics off the coast of the Jersey Shore.  

A tell-it-like-it-is girl after my own heart, Lex opened up and revealed the nitty gritty.  Here's what she confided:

On Losing Control
I just have to tell you, the most terrifying part about becoming a parent is the loss of control. You don't have much control over your pregnancy (and that includes when you eat, sleep, cry, and pee), you have no control whatsover about the delivery, there is no guarantee about what the baby's personality will be like, whether s/he will sleep through the night, etc etc.

But really, it's a good thing, because if you make through the whole 9 months relinquishing all the small elements of yourself that you used to be completely in charge of, well, then you usually pass the test and get a baby as your reward. :-)

On Mothering a Newborn

Now, first of all, the reason you don't curl up in bed petrified is actually due to hormones, but that's not a deep enough answer. For the first few weeks (months) you are functioning on instinct and auto pilot. Feed the baby, change the baby, sleep with baby, repeat. There were small moments I remember having time to marvel and worry, but they were quickly forgotten when the baby cried or if I had a 7 minute window, that moment was reduced to jumping in the shower in hopes of becoming somewhat human again.

This might be sounding dark and terrifying, and I apologize, but I hate sugar coating. And you're probably sitting there thinking "Why the heck would I ever want to go through this?" and I'll tell you why you do: you do it for your baby.

On Logic and Reason

You read in books and watch on tv all the time how a mom saved her baby by doing something crazy, or sacrificing herself, and you wonder how she could ever do that with a rational mind. That's the key, you give up a little part of your rational mind when you have kids. Whether people want to admit it or not, its true. I've never heard a rational love story in my life, and the same is true with kids. You love them as an extension of yourself, and often moreso than yourself, and therein is the reason you often lose all focus other than keeping them safe and loved and happy.

On Rewards

And your reward? It's your children. Every breath, every smile is a celebration. When they first coo at you and give you a toothless grin they hit the reset button on your memory cache and all those sleepless nights and after birth pains are wiped out of your mind. I actually had to think about it when someone said "Well I remember how much pain you were in those first few days," and I REALLY had to think about it, because it almost felt like they were talking about someone else.

Holding my babies made me feel complete, and as they grew (grow) out of my arms a part of me grew outward with them. That's the best I can explain it. The quote you posted a few blogs ago about the heart walking around outside your body is correct, but they're missing the tidbit about how you're still tethered. When they're little you're connected by your hands, when they're bigger you're connected by your love and protectiveness that gives them a safe haven to grow in, and when they're older still its your words and lessons that stick with them and echo in their minds as they go through life.

On Advice

Now here is the part that might make or break my advice for you. My first child, my daughter, was a fabulous experience. Hardly any problems with the pregnancy, delivery was pretty good with only 2 complications, and she was a divine little baby, especially after we got her reflux issues cleared up. She was so wonderful I got pregnant again around her first birthday and had my son when my daughter was 20 months old. The party ended a little after that.

I remember feeling distinctly different the first night after having my son. I kept waiting for the wonderment and euphoria to kick in, but I had to almost mentally stretch to reach it. At home with the two of them, it was the same feeling, distinctly different than when I was home with my daughter. I had insomnia (and not because my baby was up, my son was a wonderful sleeper). When I did go to sleep I had horrifying nightmares about SWAT teams crawling through my windows and stealing my babies. I didn't want anyone to leave me alone with them, I constantly thought that something terrible would happen to one while I was with the other, and the icing on the cake was that I was terrified to leave the house with them alone. I would get so far as have them both buckled in and safely at the grocery store or wherever I was going, but then I couldn't see how I would ever be able to get them out of the car without something terrifying happening to us. I realized I was living like a hermit with my two kids, hardly ever venturing outside even though my son was born in June and I was home for a summer's stretch of glorious weather. 

On Sanity

My OB sent me to a psychologist, and she diagnosed me with depression and Immobilizing Anxiety Disorder. Every doubt and every fear from the stories I heard on the television or read in the paper would spiral into paralyzing bouts of fear and nightmares. I would lay awake checking my son's breathing 4 times a minute while trying to do my own breathing exercises that would give me at least 2 hours of sleep at night. I was supposed to go back to work, but it took an extra week of therapy before I could even think about it, and another 2 weeks until I could attempt it.

I made it though. And it got easier every day I kept it up. I still have problems turning down the overanalysis radio station in the back of my mind all through the day, and I still don't watch the evening news or subscribe to a paper. All the news I hear I get from selectively reading off the internet.

But I have to tell you, it's STILL worth it with all the anxiety and hardship. My kids are magnifiers. They multiply my experiences by a thousand-fold. Sure that means crappy days are all that much crappier, and sick days are so much more painful, but the joy is 1000x more joyous, the feelings of wonderment are almost that much more indescribable, and the laughter is at least that much more infectious.

On Coping

And the how to handle it question, well we usually just do because we're mothers. But the phase "It takes a Village" is the truest quote I've heard so far. Support is so important, and I don't just mean your family (which IS nice, because you can usually get the childcare services cheapest from them! ;-) ) but I have an online forum of mommy friends I am extremely close to, and have been since I was pregnant with my daughter, and another whole network from acquaintances, neighbors, and daycare that help with the day to day grievances or play dates or 10 minute watching my kids so I can run to the store while they're napping.

Your friend said you should have a baby to stop worrying about yourself, and I found that I've never known myself as well as I do now that I have kids. Maybe that's what makes the worry go away. The challenges of parenting and motherhood temper your steel, so to speak. You find out just how strong you are, how patient (or impatient), or what really is your true limit.

Lex, that was amazing.  Thank you for sharing your experience 
and thoughts with us and our readers.