Mamãe

the little seed

Moving to Turkey for 2 years was filled with nothing but excitement. We packed our things, took a long plane ride and found ourselves dropped into a place where they were going to pick us up in a service bus and drive us to our new home. We loaded our things into the bus with another couple who had a cat instead of a kid. We were all mostly quiet on the ride, not really sure of where we were going and how we would all relate to one another aside from the googlemap image we stared at for a few minutes before leaving for the airport.

The kitty couple became two of our closest friends from our experience in Turkey and I will never forget the moment that this mom was borrowing my computer in my office and turned to me and started crying and said, "I am pregnant." I will never forget it because people don't always reveal things to me since I am a talker, so I was not only honored but at a loss for words.

Looking back I know that those tears were out of anxiety and loss and confusion and disorientation - all feelings that come with creation. She is the mother she wasn't sure she wanted to be, but has taken it on with grace.

After living in Turkey for 2 years, she and her husband currently find themselves in Brasil a place I hope to visit soon. I introduce to you, Alisha Feitosa.

Why did you choose to be a working mother? How do you feel it benefits you? Do you regret your choice at all? Would you ever stay at home?
There are so many small things that play a part in this decision, but the biggest reason I chose to be a working mom is because I wanted to stay sane. I never felt the desire to have kids and wasn't planning on getting pregnant. People say you meet your child and you can't imagine your life any other way, but that wasn't true for me. I love my son and wouldn't want to give him up now, but I can still imagine myself having a very long, happy life without kids. So I need my job as a part of my "old" self. I need another purpose in life, I need adult contact, I need to get out of the house, I need to use my energies in multiple different ways.

Don't get me wrong, I think being a good mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world and I admire
women who stay home and take care of everything, but I would not be happy doing that for long. Our situation was a little different, too. We had just moved to Turkey on two-year teaching contracts, and I felt guilty about not fulfilling my obligation (at least to some degree--minus the maternity leave). Plus we lived on campus in a nice, but small little community and there weren't hardly any other foreign moms on campus during the day. We didn't have a car, and it's not like I could go make play dates or run errands with baby in tow while my husband was away at work. Staying at home would have meant a lot of long hours inside the house or wandering around campus.

I don't regret my choice at all. I'm happier working, and I appreciate my son more when I do get to spend time with him in the afternoons. It helps that we have a great childcare system worked out (he goes to a small school in the morning and then comes home to eat, sleep, and play on the playground with our housekeeper). If we didn't have good childcare, I'd consider staying home, but I'd be anxiously awaiting a different solution.

How is it listening to other mother's (and grandmother's) ideas about what to do with your children when it differs from what you think you should do?
This is always slightly annoying, but so far my experience with this has only been related to small stuff: a grandpa who thinks those soft, slip-on shoes are making it harder for my son to walk, an aunt who is horrified that my son is using a fork and rushes off to get him a baby spoon, a lady at my church who asks multiple times if my son won't choke on the Cheerios he's been eating safely for months.

What is your favorite thing about watching your boy grow up?
I have more and more fun with him as he gets older. He makes me laugh, and I love watching him discover and learn new things. It also helps that he is becoming more independent, helpful, and fun--as opposed to being a bundle that needs to be fed and changed.

How do you manage teaching your boys English in a Portuguese speaking environment? Are you ever afraid that he will not be able to communicate with you in English?
My son goes to a small English school in the morning and then stays home with our Brazilian housekeeper in the afternoon, so he hears English in the morning and Portuguese in the afternoon. At home, my husband speaks Portuguese to him, I speak English to him, and he hears us speaking English to each other. I think he gets a fairly good balance. Of course he's surrounded by more Portuguese at the moment, and I'm fine with that. We won't live in Brazil forever, and I want him to have a solid foundation in Portuguese. He'll get English. It's one of the things I really want to give my children: the ability to speak more than one language at an early age.

Besides being a mom, what else would you like to be known as? How else do you identify yourself?

Of course it's important for me to be a good mom to my son, but I guess I don't really consider myself a mom when I'm not around my son. I still find it strange to talk with other moms about "mom stuff." It seems too absurd--I don't usually feel like I belong in that group. I'm not sure how else I would choose to identify myself without sounding completely cliche and narcissistic. I want to be a good friend, colleague, teacher, travel companion, listener, music lover, runner, reader, and lifetime learner. Hopefully those things can also help me to be a better mother.

What is your favorite part of being a mom?

Having my son grab my hand to show me what we're going to play next. Being able to understand what he wants and seeing the look of happiness on his face when I finally "get" him. Watching him become more independent--I feel so proud when he learns to do something as simple as kicking a ball or carrying a small bag of groceries from the car to the elevator.

What snack do you like feeding your boy most and why?

Fruit smoothies and popcorn. They're healthy, easy, and he loves them. He will actually sit still on the couch quietly and eat popcorn with us for several minutes before running off to play again--this is rare.

What is the best thing about being an overseas mom?

My son gets to travel a lot and learn more than one language. I know he won't remember the places we've been so far, but I want him to grow up with a global perspective, and I'm glad we're starting that early. Hopefully his experiences abroad will help him to be flexible, open to new experiences, and empathetic to other cultures.

Is there something that you can only get in Brasil that helps you be a good mom? If so, what is it?

I definitely could not afford the childcare setup we have now if I were in the States. My son's school is small, blocks away from our apartment, and our housekeeper is amazing. Having great childcare allows me to work without worrying too much about his well-being. I can really appreciate him and the time we have together when I get
home instead of worrying about having to do laundry or wash the dishes.

Is there anything you miss from the US that you wish you had in Brasil or that you HAD to bring to Brasil because they didn't have it there?

We've gotten away without a lot of the material things that I think most moms find standard. We never had a high chair or a real crib--my son is just now transitioning out of the play yard. We could have purchased some of these things abroad, but with all of the moving and the higher cost, we just decided to do without. I brought a breast pump from the States, and we use our Vita Mix several times a day, but the thing I probably miss the most is family. It'd be nice for my son to grow up around his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Not having that support system at hand can be difficult at times.

Thanks Alisha for always being there, and for this great interview. Your answers are always such a unique way of viewing motherhood in a way that really gets at what mothers give up to be better at what they do. Maybe, like a good pair of shoes with a handbag, this should be paired with Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman. We aren't all bad, we just want the best for our kids and ourselves sometimes and those things aren't always the same.

American Mom Out of America

Annie O.

on her travels

You can take the mom out of America, but can you take the America out of the mom? The interview for today is, the always striving for the best, Annie Ozarac.

I had the privilege of working with Annie in Istanbul and really enjoyed collaborating both as workers and as mothers. She was well versed in kids' needs and had to really kick it in gear since she had double to kids to tend to for her first go at it.

Annie is one of the lucky ones who got to have twins. Two for the price of one.

Here are some of her thoughts about being a Mom overseas:

What is being an American mom like when living in a culture that has different ideals from America?

This is a hard one to answer because I am surrounded with people, regardless of culture, who have the same ideals as me. I don’t feel all that different living here. In fact, I feel more different when I go home since the expat life is such a “thing” and all of the English speakers I hang around are also expats and just “get it.” On my trips back to Seattle this fall, I felt a bit like Sting in his song “I am Alien.”

This difference really hit home when I was at the grocery store and I was fumbling around with the debit card, and the cashier stopped, looked at me and said, “You aren’t from around here, are you dear?” My reply, “Well, I used to be.”

What is it like when other mother's (and grandmother's) ideas differ from yours?

The only thing I hear differently is the whole “fear of cold” thing here in Turkey. There is a belief that a cross breeze will make you sick, and since I am from the NW, and love a good, cold cross breeze, I hear about this every now and then. I just ignore it though. Sometimes I say to strangers who make comments, that I am American and we like it cold and are used to it. They look puzzled, but they leave me alone.

Why did you choose to be a working mother? How do you feel it benefits you? Do you regret your choice at all? Would you ever stay at home?

I chose to be a working mom because I love my job. I am also lucky to have a five-minute walking commute to work (editor's note: best commute ever), and a great nanny who took care of our boys until this year when they started pre-school, which is a three-minute walk the other way from our home. I get the best of both worlds because I am able to be a professional and a mom. Being a mother, and especially a mother of twins, is a hard job for a variety of reasons, but one thing that I feel is the hardest is maintaining a sense of self. I easily get wrapped up in being a mom that I forget about my own identity. When I am at work, I can re-claim that sense of self, which I think makes me a better mom. Having kids also makes me better at my job, as when I come home, I have no choice but not to think about work, so I can also escape and decompress from work.

What is your favorite thing about watching your boys grow up?

I adore watching their personalities develop. I think they are hysterical. They are genetically identical, but so different in the ways they interact with their world.

How do you manage teaching your boys English in a Turkish speaking environment? Are you ever afraid that they will not be able to communicate with you in English?

This is actually the easiest part of being a mom for me. Raising bi-lingual children has been really, really easy. I speak English, Koray speaks Turkish, and Ali and Omer are fluent in both. It is that simple. As far as their English communication skills go, no worries there. It is like the inquisition on a daily basis.

What is it like having twins?

Having twins is like navigating through a swarm of butterflies and locusts.

Raising twins is like being Sisyphus, and liking it.

Besides being a mom, what else would you like to be known as? How else do you identify yourself?

A strong, reliable person who works hard and always follows through, who loves to cook and really, really wants to learn how to make a quilt.

What is your favorite part of being a mom?

Snuggles and smooches and watching them grow.

What snack do you like feeding your boys most and why?

Smoothies. We make smoothies after school and when the weather is agreeable, we sip them out on the patio. Ali, Omer and I look forward to this ritual, and they start talking about it as soon as I pick them up from pre-school. (editor again: Annie had the BEST idea ever when we were in Turkey - add some Spinach to those smoothies! The kids go crazy for it.)

What is your favorite toy for your boys (even though they might not play with it)?

There are two things. One is the original See-n-Say that I won in a bidding war on e-bay. I was so vehement about winning the bid because it was my favorite toy. The boys like it, but are not as into it as I was. Also, stuffed animals. We have a full blown exotic zoo of stuffed animals, but they only like three of them. (Me again: totally my world)

What is the best thing about being an overseas mom?

The travel opportunities. We get the chance to go to some cool places every year, one of them being North America. Our time back home is always precious.

Is there anything you miss from the US that you wish you had in Turkey or that you HAD to bring to Turkey because they didn't have it there?

Peanut butter, children’s medicine--you can get everything here, but I like the brands from home better--Gap/Old Navy socks and jammies (I swear by these) and Frenchy’s, an amazing thrift shop in Nova Scotia.

Thanks Annie for your thoughtful words. I am sure mothers who are not traveling the world will feel comforted to know that mothers have the same existence no matter where they live - to care for their young. Enjoy!

The Mommie Interviews: #4

In week four of the Mommie Interviews, my dear friend Johnna chimes in on the necessity of juggling work and motherhood during one of most severe downturns in the history our American economy.  Here's what she has to say about being a working mom:

Motherwork
I found out I was pregnant with Charlie at an inopportune time for our family financially.  My husband had not been working full time or with benefits for a couple of years, so my income had been our main source; right before the baby was born, my husband, fortunately, went back to work for a company in a sales position but was making significantly less than he had been and a 1/3 of what I was making.

We didn't know what we were going to do, as money was tight, our mortgage was large, and our monthly expenses weren't going to decrease anytime soon.  Adding the cost of childcare to those expense made them seem insurmountable.

Luckily, my company allows you to move to a part time schedule, if your manager says it is OK; I lucked out because the company actually started looking for people in the firm to work part time or take sabbaticals last year, to save the firm money. We decided that I would work part time in the office and from home so I could be with Charlie a few days and then on the days I need to go into the office, my husband tries to work from home or my mom watches Charlie, to save us childcare costs.

I used to really enjoy my work but now that I'm a mother and have other responsibilities, I find that my work doesn't acknowledge or value them as I do. There are days when I can not wait until I can quit work one day, as even with a partial paycheck (my salary is 3/5 what it was, since I work 3 days instead of 5), many people still expect you to work full time, every day.  Also from what I hear, apparently when you have proven that you are good at your job and a hard worker, they will then give you the most demanding work and put you on the hardest courses, knowing you will kill yourself to make get the job done.  For those reasons, I would rather be home with my child full time so he'll benefit from the fruits of my labor.

On the other hand, I do kind of enjoy being out of the house a few days a week.  I enjoy being around adults, particularly the friends that I work with and I enjoy the few moments during my work day that I get to sit with them and have lunch.  Working out of the home provides me a bit of a break and is a good balance.  Of course, I feel this way because we are fortunate to have free babysitting in the form of my mom. I think I would feel way different if we had to deal with the burden of paid childcare.

The Mommie Interviews

It's Wild Card Wednesday and we're proud to present the third installment of The Mommie Interviews.  Today's mom is Lex Steeber, a fellow Bloggerwife of New Jersey who writes the blog Advantages of Calamity.  Lex works part time and has two little munchkins under the age of four, pictured above and affectionately referred to as Monkey and Scootch.

As a wannabe mom, I wrote to Lex asking for a bit of insight/advice on what is for me, uncharted territory; before I begin to navigate the waters, I want to know the real deal: I don't want to pull up my anchor under the illusion that I'm headed toward the white sand beaches of Bermuda only to find myself adrift amongst the hypodermics off the coast of the Jersey Shore.  

A tell-it-like-it-is girl after my own heart, Lex opened up and revealed the nitty gritty.  Here's what she confided:

On Losing Control
I just have to tell you, the most terrifying part about becoming a parent is the loss of control. You don't have much control over your pregnancy (and that includes when you eat, sleep, cry, and pee), you have no control whatsover about the delivery, there is no guarantee about what the baby's personality will be like, whether s/he will sleep through the night, etc etc.

But really, it's a good thing, because if you make through the whole 9 months relinquishing all the small elements of yourself that you used to be completely in charge of, well, then you usually pass the test and get a baby as your reward. :-)

On Mothering a Newborn

Now, first of all, the reason you don't curl up in bed petrified is actually due to hormones, but that's not a deep enough answer. For the first few weeks (months) you are functioning on instinct and auto pilot. Feed the baby, change the baby, sleep with baby, repeat. There were small moments I remember having time to marvel and worry, but they were quickly forgotten when the baby cried or if I had a 7 minute window, that moment was reduced to jumping in the shower in hopes of becoming somewhat human again.

This might be sounding dark and terrifying, and I apologize, but I hate sugar coating. And you're probably sitting there thinking "Why the heck would I ever want to go through this?" and I'll tell you why you do: you do it for your baby.

On Logic and Reason

You read in books and watch on tv all the time how a mom saved her baby by doing something crazy, or sacrificing herself, and you wonder how she could ever do that with a rational mind. That's the key, you give up a little part of your rational mind when you have kids. Whether people want to admit it or not, its true. I've never heard a rational love story in my life, and the same is true with kids. You love them as an extension of yourself, and often moreso than yourself, and therein is the reason you often lose all focus other than keeping them safe and loved and happy.

On Rewards

And your reward? It's your children. Every breath, every smile is a celebration. When they first coo at you and give you a toothless grin they hit the reset button on your memory cache and all those sleepless nights and after birth pains are wiped out of your mind. I actually had to think about it when someone said "Well I remember how much pain you were in those first few days," and I REALLY had to think about it, because it almost felt like they were talking about someone else.

Holding my babies made me feel complete, and as they grew (grow) out of my arms a part of me grew outward with them. That's the best I can explain it. The quote you posted a few blogs ago about the heart walking around outside your body is correct, but they're missing the tidbit about how you're still tethered. When they're little you're connected by your hands, when they're bigger you're connected by your love and protectiveness that gives them a safe haven to grow in, and when they're older still its your words and lessons that stick with them and echo in their minds as they go through life.

On Advice

Now here is the part that might make or break my advice for you. My first child, my daughter, was a fabulous experience. Hardly any problems with the pregnancy, delivery was pretty good with only 2 complications, and she was a divine little baby, especially after we got her reflux issues cleared up. She was so wonderful I got pregnant again around her first birthday and had my son when my daughter was 20 months old. The party ended a little after that.

I remember feeling distinctly different the first night after having my son. I kept waiting for the wonderment and euphoria to kick in, but I had to almost mentally stretch to reach it. At home with the two of them, it was the same feeling, distinctly different than when I was home with my daughter. I had insomnia (and not because my baby was up, my son was a wonderful sleeper). When I did go to sleep I had horrifying nightmares about SWAT teams crawling through my windows and stealing my babies. I didn't want anyone to leave me alone with them, I constantly thought that something terrible would happen to one while I was with the other, and the icing on the cake was that I was terrified to leave the house with them alone. I would get so far as have them both buckled in and safely at the grocery store or wherever I was going, but then I couldn't see how I would ever be able to get them out of the car without something terrifying happening to us. I realized I was living like a hermit with my two kids, hardly ever venturing outside even though my son was born in June and I was home for a summer's stretch of glorious weather. 

On Sanity

My OB sent me to a psychologist, and she diagnosed me with depression and Immobilizing Anxiety Disorder. Every doubt and every fear from the stories I heard on the television or read in the paper would spiral into paralyzing bouts of fear and nightmares. I would lay awake checking my son's breathing 4 times a minute while trying to do my own breathing exercises that would give me at least 2 hours of sleep at night. I was supposed to go back to work, but it took an extra week of therapy before I could even think about it, and another 2 weeks until I could attempt it.

I made it though. And it got easier every day I kept it up. I still have problems turning down the overanalysis radio station in the back of my mind all through the day, and I still don't watch the evening news or subscribe to a paper. All the news I hear I get from selectively reading off the internet.

But I have to tell you, it's STILL worth it with all the anxiety and hardship. My kids are magnifiers. They multiply my experiences by a thousand-fold. Sure that means crappy days are all that much crappier, and sick days are so much more painful, but the joy is 1000x more joyous, the feelings of wonderment are almost that much more indescribable, and the laughter is at least that much more infectious.

On Coping

And the how to handle it question, well we usually just do because we're mothers. But the phase "It takes a Village" is the truest quote I've heard so far. Support is so important, and I don't just mean your family (which IS nice, because you can usually get the childcare services cheapest from them! ;-) ) but I have an online forum of mommy friends I am extremely close to, and have been since I was pregnant with my daughter, and another whole network from acquaintances, neighbors, and daycare that help with the day to day grievances or play dates or 10 minute watching my kids so I can run to the store while they're napping.

Your friend said you should have a baby to stop worrying about yourself, and I found that I've never known myself as well as I do now that I have kids. Maybe that's what makes the worry go away. The challenges of parenting and motherhood temper your steel, so to speak. You find out just how strong you are, how patient (or impatient), or what really is your true limit.

Lex, that was amazing.  Thank you for sharing your experience 
and thoughts with us and our readers.