Mamãe

the little seed

Moving to Turkey for 2 years was filled with nothing but excitement. We packed our things, took a long plane ride and found ourselves dropped into a place where they were going to pick us up in a service bus and drive us to our new home. We loaded our things into the bus with another couple who had a cat instead of a kid. We were all mostly quiet on the ride, not really sure of where we were going and how we would all relate to one another aside from the googlemap image we stared at for a few minutes before leaving for the airport.

The kitty couple became two of our closest friends from our experience in Turkey and I will never forget the moment that this mom was borrowing my computer in my office and turned to me and started crying and said, "I am pregnant." I will never forget it because people don't always reveal things to me since I am a talker, so I was not only honored but at a loss for words.

Looking back I know that those tears were out of anxiety and loss and confusion and disorientation - all feelings that come with creation. She is the mother she wasn't sure she wanted to be, but has taken it on with grace.

After living in Turkey for 2 years, she and her husband currently find themselves in Brasil a place I hope to visit soon. I introduce to you, Alisha Feitosa.

Why did you choose to be a working mother? How do you feel it benefits you? Do you regret your choice at all? Would you ever stay at home?
There are so many small things that play a part in this decision, but the biggest reason I chose to be a working mom is because I wanted to stay sane. I never felt the desire to have kids and wasn't planning on getting pregnant. People say you meet your child and you can't imagine your life any other way, but that wasn't true for me. I love my son and wouldn't want to give him up now, but I can still imagine myself having a very long, happy life without kids. So I need my job as a part of my "old" self. I need another purpose in life, I need adult contact, I need to get out of the house, I need to use my energies in multiple different ways.

Don't get me wrong, I think being a good mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world and I admire
women who stay home and take care of everything, but I would not be happy doing that for long. Our situation was a little different, too. We had just moved to Turkey on two-year teaching contracts, and I felt guilty about not fulfilling my obligation (at least to some degree--minus the maternity leave). Plus we lived on campus in a nice, but small little community and there weren't hardly any other foreign moms on campus during the day. We didn't have a car, and it's not like I could go make play dates or run errands with baby in tow while my husband was away at work. Staying at home would have meant a lot of long hours inside the house or wandering around campus.

I don't regret my choice at all. I'm happier working, and I appreciate my son more when I do get to spend time with him in the afternoons. It helps that we have a great childcare system worked out (he goes to a small school in the morning and then comes home to eat, sleep, and play on the playground with our housekeeper). If we didn't have good childcare, I'd consider staying home, but I'd be anxiously awaiting a different solution.

How is it listening to other mother's (and grandmother's) ideas about what to do with your children when it differs from what you think you should do?
This is always slightly annoying, but so far my experience with this has only been related to small stuff: a grandpa who thinks those soft, slip-on shoes are making it harder for my son to walk, an aunt who is horrified that my son is using a fork and rushes off to get him a baby spoon, a lady at my church who asks multiple times if my son won't choke on the Cheerios he's been eating safely for months.

What is your favorite thing about watching your boy grow up?
I have more and more fun with him as he gets older. He makes me laugh, and I love watching him discover and learn new things. It also helps that he is becoming more independent, helpful, and fun--as opposed to being a bundle that needs to be fed and changed.

How do you manage teaching your boys English in a Portuguese speaking environment? Are you ever afraid that he will not be able to communicate with you in English?
My son goes to a small English school in the morning and then stays home with our Brazilian housekeeper in the afternoon, so he hears English in the morning and Portuguese in the afternoon. At home, my husband speaks Portuguese to him, I speak English to him, and he hears us speaking English to each other. I think he gets a fairly good balance. Of course he's surrounded by more Portuguese at the moment, and I'm fine with that. We won't live in Brazil forever, and I want him to have a solid foundation in Portuguese. He'll get English. It's one of the things I really want to give my children: the ability to speak more than one language at an early age.

Besides being a mom, what else would you like to be known as? How else do you identify yourself?

Of course it's important for me to be a good mom to my son, but I guess I don't really consider myself a mom when I'm not around my son. I still find it strange to talk with other moms about "mom stuff." It seems too absurd--I don't usually feel like I belong in that group. I'm not sure how else I would choose to identify myself without sounding completely cliche and narcissistic. I want to be a good friend, colleague, teacher, travel companion, listener, music lover, runner, reader, and lifetime learner. Hopefully those things can also help me to be a better mother.

What is your favorite part of being a mom?

Having my son grab my hand to show me what we're going to play next. Being able to understand what he wants and seeing the look of happiness on his face when I finally "get" him. Watching him become more independent--I feel so proud when he learns to do something as simple as kicking a ball or carrying a small bag of groceries from the car to the elevator.

What snack do you like feeding your boy most and why?

Fruit smoothies and popcorn. They're healthy, easy, and he loves them. He will actually sit still on the couch quietly and eat popcorn with us for several minutes before running off to play again--this is rare.

What is the best thing about being an overseas mom?

My son gets to travel a lot and learn more than one language. I know he won't remember the places we've been so far, but I want him to grow up with a global perspective, and I'm glad we're starting that early. Hopefully his experiences abroad will help him to be flexible, open to new experiences, and empathetic to other cultures.

Is there something that you can only get in Brasil that helps you be a good mom? If so, what is it?

I definitely could not afford the childcare setup we have now if I were in the States. My son's school is small, blocks away from our apartment, and our housekeeper is amazing. Having great childcare allows me to work without worrying too much about his well-being. I can really appreciate him and the time we have together when I get
home instead of worrying about having to do laundry or wash the dishes.

Is there anything you miss from the US that you wish you had in Brasil or that you HAD to bring to Brasil because they didn't have it there?

We've gotten away without a lot of the material things that I think most moms find standard. We never had a high chair or a real crib--my son is just now transitioning out of the play yard. We could have purchased some of these things abroad, but with all of the moving and the higher cost, we just decided to do without. I brought a breast pump from the States, and we use our Vita Mix several times a day, but the thing I probably miss the most is family. It'd be nice for my son to grow up around his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Not having that support system at hand can be difficult at times.

Thanks Alisha for always being there, and for this great interview. Your answers are always such a unique way of viewing motherhood in a way that really gets at what mothers give up to be better at what they do. Maybe, like a good pair of shoes with a handbag, this should be paired with Bad Mother by Ayelet Waldman. We aren't all bad, we just want the best for our kids and ourselves sometimes and those things aren't always the same.